Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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