I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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