I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize