I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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