I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
