and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
