I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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