I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Im part way to drunk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
