Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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