I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
