I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
