before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
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So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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