Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
