I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
