when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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