there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
