M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
