I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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