I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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