I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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