Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
