On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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