This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
