Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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