just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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