Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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