Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
