I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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