Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
