I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
