Cold hands, warm shart.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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