Are we in a gay sports bar?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
