how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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