I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
