Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
