I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
