i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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