I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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