I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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