I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
