I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
