dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
