If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
His hands were made for my vagina.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
