Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
