i was born a porn star she said
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
