that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She bit a glass in half.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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