There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
