Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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