So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Less talking, more tequila
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
