The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
