why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
