So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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