Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
There's even glitter on my cock...
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