My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
