I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
