You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
