you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
